Sunday, April 15, 2012

Hiking for Honeywine, My Career as a Runway Model, & More


First Anecdote: Our buddy San dragged us on a day trip up to the quaint community of Koro, the picturesque birthplace of his girlfriend Sya. Only a few hours away from our own stomping grounds, we couldn’t help but notice striking differences in local tradition, way of life, and industry. For instance, while residents of our site specialize in sugar production, Koro residents quarry stone to pave the entire country’s highway system.

It's no casual hike to get up there, since it's couched atop an especially bouldery mountain chain. After our twenty-minute trek through the silent wilderness, we reached the summit and were suddenly face to face with the bustling clamor of children running around, fathers getting drunk in the shade, and mothers preparing lunch. There’s a continual conga line of women climbing up and down the mountain to fetch water in their headbowls from the one water pump at the base of the cliffs. This strenuous labor has always been necessary, and their entire population hinges on that one faucet.


At an auntie’s house with a valley viewshed, we kicked up our boots and paid for the house special—honeywine, also called mead. This is a rarity I hadn’t yet encountered anywhere else on this continent, and it tastes like it could be a soda product. We chatted about the ceremonial masque festival (where dancers dress in monster costumes and wreak havoc) that would start in mere hours. We also chatted about the corrupt police who would probably ask a bribe to re-enter the city later.

After two goblets of honeywine, we worked our way down to a hangar with a green tarp that serves as the village commons. It was evidently naptime, so we were spared from the otherwise invariable stares of these rural dwellers who hardly ever see a foreigner. When we left Koro late afternoon, we were stopped by the police at the checkpoint (see the picture below). Instead of the six-dollar bribe we had anticipated, our driver was only forced to dish out 2 dollars.



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Second Anecdote: Yesterday, Anne's association of tailor apprentices called ATTA hosted a carnival for the graduation of its students. So that means that Tana, Lindsy, Evan, Anne, and I got to be runway models for their chic stylish formal wear. I figured it was only a matter of time before I was "discovered" by some fashion talent scout, but thanks to Anne I've skipped that step and somehow achieved my life's dream anyway. I believe that Scott snapped some high-quality pictures that he'll give me at some point, but for the meantime, here's some pictures from my phone:



It was magic. The cameras loved us. The paparazzi ate it up. I made three ladies faint. Evan and I were met with cheers from the crowds when strutted out and struck our dashing poses. We upstaged a local girl in a full wedding dress, or at least that's what I tell myself. My newfound fame went straight to my head, and I shouted at a seven-year-old to bring me coffee, then promptly fired him for not understanding English. Numerous magazines have contacted me to be a cover model, but I'm holding out for Time (person of the year issue). 
I mean, just look at how beautiful we are. Good thing we weren't in Paris, or our beauty would have melted all the paint off the walls at the Louvre.


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Third Anecdote: My neighbor found a baby monkey out in the bush and brought it home. She's accepting suggestions for names.


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Fourth Anecdote: Here's a plug for Scott's blog. He did some dazzling photography recently at the national masque festival in Dedougou with all its wacky costumes. Some of them look like what Dr. Seuss might regurgitate. Some of them look like Sesame Street on an acid trip. But even those most nightmarish ones are captivating. The masques are truly one of the most fascinating aspects of Burkina culture. 



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Fifth Anecdote: Thank you so much to everyone who has donated and helped raise awareness for the amphitheater campaign. You have helped raise 75 % of the goal! We're very excited that it's coming together so quickly, and there have been so many anonymous donations. Thank you, anonymous. We've been busy preparing promotional materials, such as the official logo, which we'll post as soon as possible. Oumar has had multiple meetings with the local land chiefs and as soon as the total is reached, we're going to hit the ground running with organizing the transport of construction materials. The only factor that may delay construction is rainy season (June-August), but everything is otherwise lining up perfectly.

We're going to set the date soon for a "grand opening" promotional event at which Oumar can present the plans and the funds to local stakeholders (hotel owners, financiers, government bigwigs, and tourism entrepreneurs). This event will also help excite the community to buy into the benefits of its new educational space. We'll keep you updated on this blog and on the facebook page all the news and photos generated by this event.

Thanks again for helping us with the final push! We appreciate you referring your friends and family to the donation page:

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What Am I Doing Here?

I've been wanting to write for some time about my actual work here as a volunteer. It's just hard to put into words the complex combination of progress, setbacks, pride, humility, frustration, and awe that inevitably result from Peace Corps work. On the one hand, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but on the other, I don't want to downplay something that is actually meaningful or impactful. I also hesitate to say when things aren't going well, because I don't want to discourage anyone who reads this.

Some of the moments here are incredible, like the (upcoming!) story about my health club students. But sometimes little successes can bring on the warm fuzzies in full force. Hearing someone say, "Wow, you can really speak Jula now!"  Seeing a friend become extremely animated and inspired while we debate a social issue together.  Finding out that my mentor, Oumar, feels like he learns something new from me whenever we're together.
Other times can feel downright useless. Since I'm being honest here, I'll admit that there are some days I shut my door and pretend I'm not here because I'm tired, sick, or just don't feel like speaking in another tongue. There are times when I really give myself a hard time for not doing enough, or talking to enough people, or going to the clinic enough. But nobody said the Peace Corps would be easy. They just said it would be worth it. There have been times when I've doubted even that. 

But more recently, I'm seeing my service as one long project rather than 800something days added up. I've taken stock, and I feel good about what I've accomplished even if I have had to spend some time on the bench from allergies, amoebas, and mild anemia.  I've been here almost a year and a half, and I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but I've become an actual part of the community.  Of course I still stick out, but less like a sore thumb and more like the quirky nerd I've always been.  

I've often been asked what a typical day is like in my life as a PCV. Like I mentioned, you could pick two of my days at random and one would make me look like a saint, the other a sloth. So here is my best shot at a fair and honest depiction of a typical week walking in my dirty, Nike memory foam flip flops:

Sunday. Get up at 8 to wash the clothes.  Have instant coffee and a snack. Wash all morning. Stop to eat lunch once hands start hurting. Rinse whatever's still soapy and leave the rest for next time. Spend the rest of the day recovering from the exhaustion. Play scrabble by lantern light with Chad after dinner.


Monday. Be woken up by a neighbor knocking who wants to borrow my bike. Give her the bike, go back to sleep. Get up for real when she gets back from the market. Spend the next hour talking on the porch about her marriage prospects. Weave in discussion of family planning options and how to discuss it with her partner. Eat brunch. Call another volunteer about girls' camp preparations. Hang out at home until sunset, then go to a friend's house and drink cashew apple juice as we discuss the future of her business. Then head home for dinner and catching up on my favorite shows on the computer.


Tuesday. Have tea and pancakes. Bike 1km to the health clinic for a meeting with the new health staff. Explain what Peace Corps is and discuss plans for upcoming training activities. Stop by the school briefly during lunch time to ask the director a question about spring break. End up talking with a teacher for two hours about literacy rates, student motivation, and behavior change theory. Go home very hungry. Make plain noodles with parmesan (thanks, family) and then help my surrogate grandma sweep up the leaves in the courtyard. Try to learn some new guitar chords.

Wednesday. Wake up feeling motivated. Start cleaning the house. Get overwhelmed and give up. Start watching a movie instead. Get interrupted by a friend I haven't seen in a while. Sit on the porch together and discuss a possible budget for building a new pigpen for her family farm. Grab lunch once she leaves and fall asleep, overheated. Wake up confused, drink lots of water and talk for an hour with Chad about my new ideas. Eat dinner together and finally at least get all the dishes done. Well most.

Thursday. Grab coffee and a granola bar then head to a nearby town for a family reunion. Greet all of the important family members, including the eldest women who are in the ceremonial hut, complete with four disembodied bull heads. Proceed to being forced to eat oily rice with beef after insisting that we already ate, thank you. Smile to hide some mild gagging. Hand over the remaining beef chunk to Chad (the benefit of serving as a married couple). Drink copious amounts of water. Leave after a polite amount of time. Lend a friend our camera to record the rest of the event. Grab a semi-cold Coke and go home to finally finish that movie.

Friday. Eat. Bike to the school to remind the kids of the upcoming health club meeting. Stop by two houses where individuals do composting. Discuss an upcoming training opportunity in broken Jula then take their pictures for use in the composting publicity. Realize too late that I forgot to put on sunscreen. Go home. Eat. Go to bed early.

Saturday. Wake up in the middle of the night from mouse noises. Think of a great project idea and write it down. Have a bottle of water and go back to bed. Get up for real later and make sure everything is ready for health club. Have breakfast. Invite a friend to come help teach the kids. Bike to the school after lunch. Teach the basics of nutrition and play a sorting game based on favorite foods and a matching game with food and food groups. Discuss upcoming spring break activity plans. Then hand over the soccer ball and watch to make sure they don't hurt each other. Grab a Coke, almost cold this time, on the way home, and spend the evening drawing and maybe playing guitar and singing.


Here's a photo of my current to do list.  I set my own deadlines, but I'd like to get all of this done by mid to late May:


Note:  This is just an example to create a picture of what my personal experience is often like. Peace Corps service is very diverse, between volunteers, across sectors, and around the world. Some volunteers work 9 to 5 schedules. Some take every meal with their neighbors. Some fill clear job positions, and some, like me, create their jobs as they go along. There is not just one right way to be a volunteer. The key is that we try to live by consistent principles of development and respond to the real needs of our communities. Feel free to post any unanswered questions you may have as a family member, blog enthusiast, or future volunteer. I will be glad to post a FAQs entry some time soon.
Thursday, February 09, 2012

Peculiar Plantlife Potpourri

By virtue of our umpteen months of rural reclusion, Tana and I now enjoy the titles of de facto farmers-in-residence. As seasons have worn in and out, we’ve come to appreciate the intricate relationship between man and vegetable. That's why today in the spirit of this relationship, we present to you some scattershot anecdotes, ramblings, and factoids on the strangest specimens in West African plant kingdom and how they impact our world at large.

Kola Nut

The most recognized brand on planet earth, Coca Cola, was born one 19th century day when some pharmacist dude from Atlanta combined extracts of two rare imports: Coca (cocaine) and Cola (kola nuts) into seltzer water. Today, one of those two original ingredients remains in the company’s secret recipe, and it comes from our own backyard. (Hint: it’s not cocaine.) 
Kola nuts can only be found here in West Africa and certain pockets of the Middle East. Locals here have a pastime of chewing on them on lazy afternoons for a caffeine rush comparable to a triple espresso shot.

Weda Fruit 
(AKA Saba Senegalensis or Zaban)

If you’ve ever wanted to surgically remove and eat the innards of a Martian, look no further than Weda. Though it may appear just another wild West African fruit of the vine, the experience of eating Weda truly has the air of an alien autopsy. Once you break the splotchy, rough-textured shell on the inside of your knee nutcracker-style, you’re confronted with a dozen or so slimy, yellow globules the size of grapes. Those who dare to disentangle these stringy little organ-like pods can enjoy a few minutes sucking on them and then spitting them out. 

Despite its sci-fi facade, the Weda fruit tastes surprisingly like American candy. Its intense acidity and tartness matches that of Sour Skittles, as another volunteer James once observed. Weda only ripens during a narrow window of the year, so only on occasion am I surprised to see it at market, in a juice bottle, or out in the woods.

I thought I’d also throw in below this picture of the cocoa fruit, also native to these parts and similar in many ways to Weda. Who would have guessed that the origin of all brownies and hot fudge is such a freakish, otherworldly thing. 


Fromager Tree 
(AKA Kapok, Ceiba)


Behold the utter majesty of a tree whose name sounds like the French word for cheese. Its bark is white and thorny. Its gargantuan, weird-looking roots usually protrude out of the ground from all sides at 45-degree inclines like skateboard ramps. According to neighbors, the fruits aren’t edible, but a mean tea can be brewed from the flower petals for headache relief. In terms of enormity, Fromagers look like something straight out of the rainforest, so I always do a double-take when against a barren landscape I notice a single four-storey tree that seemingly got lost and wandered away from his jungly home.

If you follow Burkina’s latitude line with your finger around a desktop globe, Fromager trees crop up in this climate on every continent. Amazonian tribes use the cottony fluff in the seeds to wrap their blow darts. And wouldn’t you know it—in Cambodia, there’s an overgrown Fromager posing for tourists at the famed Angkor Wat Temple.



Ackee Fruit

Here’s another familiar sight among Banfora’s plethora of flora: the mighty Ackee fruit. When it’s ripe, the bottom pops open, revealing three black marble-sized seeds and yummy spongy stuff. Ackee fruits (as well as shea) contain fatty acids that make for top-notch traditional cooking. People appreciate it here, but not in the same way they idolize such Ackee-based dishes in the Caribbean. Apparently, ever since it was introduced by way of slave ships in the late 1700s, Ackee has remained a dietary staple for islanders and is Jamaica’s national fruit.

Bissap 
(AKA Hibiscus)

On our first week in village in December 2010, a jolly neighbor lady filled up two heaping bags of dried purple petals and handed one to each of us as gifts. A couple days later, we bravely yet naively stepped into the kitchen to prepare them. Attempting to replicate the local hibiscus tea we’ve so enjoyed, we failed miserably in our own homebrew. Following this disaster, the leftovers sat in our kitchen for an additional six months gathering dust until they were pitched. We still drink street bissap all the time, so I’m sure that hibiscus tea will be one of the things I miss most once we’re back in Virginia.


Cashew Apple


Who among us hasn’t kicked back at a football game and plunged their hand into a can of mixed nuts? If you aren’t already a certified mixed nut expert, you might be surprised to discover that cashews originate underneath the exterior of the bright red or yellow fruit. Now, here’s the part I don’t understand. Why did Mother Nature encase such a tasty kidney-shaped nut in a poisonous green shell made of rash-inducing acids, allergens, and toxins? That’s like wrapping a birthday cake in barbed wire. 

From January to May each year, local nut exporters, like my association UPPFL/CO, go to great lengths to extract the nut from its toxic shell by way of assembly line. Even throughout this process, one must beware of a deadly curveball—burning cashew shells causes them to emit a noxious, asphyxiating gas. Everything about the cashew screams danger.

I’ve also been warned on separate occasions that eating cashew apples while drinking milk will make you die. I’m pretty sure that’s not true, but I’m not yet willing to sacrifice my body in the name of science. Cashew apples taste grapefruit-ish and have an amazingly unique citrusy smell that I really enjoy wafting on bike rides through the orchards. Interestingly enough, in some of these orchards, West Africans encourage weaver ants to build nests. This is a cost-effective means of protecting the cashew apple/nut harvest from hungry bugs. 

Baobab

Baobabs with their abnormal rotundity and gnarled branches look like something Tim Burton would dream up. The trunks of some of these trees grow big enough to fit a car inside. Much like cactuses, they’re famine-proof desert dwellers with water reservoirs inside their bellies. The flowers smell like death and are bat-pollinated. The fruits, called “monkey bread” by locals, can be prepared into teodo, a pulpy bland-tasting juice with the consistency of apple sauce. Apparently it’s pretty nutritious, but there so many better local juice options I prefer: for instance, passion fruit juice, mango juice, hortchata (a soy-milk-like drink from the Bambara groundnut), and bissap.



Ronier Palm

In the picture above, the baobab is surrounded by rone palm trees. The rone may look like an ordinary palm tree, but it's actually a special type that’s vital to a key industry in Southwest Burkina: alcohol consumption. Not only do its nuts make tasty munchies at traditional bars, its wood helps build bar benches and secure walls, and most importantly the sap is extracted each day and fermented to produce palm wine or banji. Barflies like Tana and her dad Ken can sip this translucent white liquid out of a calabash like the one she's holding. This sap comes out just below the leaves on female trees, so the sap collector making his rounds has to repeatedly shimmy up two-storey heights. Ken liked the palm wine, but opted not to sample the menu option: caterpillar soup.

Banana & Plantain

Human meddling, selective breeding, and genetic tweaking are responsible for the current lineup at America's grocery stores, an assortment of mutants no one thinks twice about. We take for granted the orangeness of modern carrots, but before medieval times the only existing breeds were purple. All modern sweet/seedless navel oranges stem from one 19th century tree in Brazil. Corn used to be finger-sized a few millennia ago, growing with multiple stalks to one tiny bush. Believe it or not, bananas have undergone an even weirder transformation.

Around 8000 B.C.-ish, ancient civilizations first cross-pollinated two inedible berries, bringing into existence the first incarnation of our own delicious modern banana. Modern iterations have evolved since then into overblown, contorted caricatures of what the plant technically is: an herb with berries. This weak, unstable hybrid is afflicted with many shortcomings: it can't naturally propagate, it's radioactive (weird, huh?), and it's uber susceptible to disease. American supermarkets since the 1940s have lost three different varieties of banana to worldwide disease epidemics with each successive type being slightly less tasty and sweet than the last. This means that the "Gros Michel" type of bananas that my grandparents once ate will never be eaten again. If another apocalyptic banana/plantains disease strikes the world, there may be no way to save the species!

Miracle Fruit

Back in the States, I heard about how American urban hipsters throw these “miracle fruit parties” where they have miracle fruits shipped to them from West Africa and give one to each guest as he enters the apartment. Laid out on the kitchen table, the guests find normally bland foods, such as cauliflower and pickles. Then, a chemical called miraculin in the fruit temporarily changes the way taste buds perceive flavors, so bitter and boring foods magically morph into candy. Sounds fun, right? Well, now I’m here at the fruit’s place of origin and I keep asking around about it, but nobody has ever heard of it. Nevertheless, I'll continue my search to experience this so-called flavor tripping.

Shea
(AKA Karite)


While poking around kiosks at a fair, a local women's group proudly presented me a glossy color brochure for their product. They make a butter from the nuts of a fig-like fruit that grows on shea trees in West Africa. In America we use the fatty acid properties of shea butter for cosmetics and makeup, and here it's cooked or eaten after plummeting off the limb. It's an acquired taste, but the scent is rich like coffee or chocolate.

As you read the following excerpted passages of the haphazardly translated English brochure of this local business, imagine a big [sic] after every sentence:

"About Shea Butter: The shea tree is an African majestic tree, venerated since thousands years by people living in the sahelian areas. It grows naturally in the savana and can reach more than 15 meters high and live many centuries. The shea tree is exploited because of its many resources. Shea tree is used the agro-alimentary or agro-foods. It is also associated in the production a lot of industrial products destined to women, men and children. 

Main Uses of Shea Butter for Hair and Scalp Hair: Shea butter promotes hairtraffic of traumatised breaking and dryness hair. Shea butter is an excellent anti-wrinkles. It moisturises and satins your skin. Helps protect skin from the sun, wind and cold. It attenuates oldnesseffets, soothes irritated skin. Shea butter is used in lips or in massage after shaving. Due to its scaring and disinfectant actions, shea butter is an organic treatment based for skin's irritations such as rodent, eczema, herpes, chapped, burns, etc. Due to its softing and stimulating actions, shea butter helps relieve stretchmarks, can decongest nasal in case of rhume and other allergies. Naturally rich in steroid, shea butter fortifies muscles before and after sport.

Range of Natural Shea Butter Based Treatments: Apply a blend of shea butter into palm, massage carefully on sensitive skins. It helps protect against climate attacks."
Thursday, January 05, 2012

Fada Christmas and My Sand Prophecies

Last year there was no pizazz in our holiday celebrating, so this year we traveled by bus to Fada N'Gourma ten hours away from Banfora to live it up. Trying to fabricate a little bit of the wintry, sentimental mood of our mother nation, we pulled out all the stops. We wassailed Christmas carols with lyrics customized to our current locale, hung up Celenia's bright string of lights, left presents under Luis' tiny tree, watched youth holiday performances, and baked some scrumptious apple pie, cookies, and rice crispy treats.


On Christmas Eve, Michel, Nick, Tarek, Jon, and Luis prepared our Christmas dinner: two charred pigs. I was surprised after it was cooked to watch the pig give birth to herb-covered potatoes and couscous that they had put into its stomach to cook. It doesn't get much more gourmet than that. This was a vacation jam-packed with fine dining, including the only breaded fried chicken available in this country.


Fada residents Joey and Scott pose with the Christmas piñata, made from a blown up condom and hours of paper machéing.


For our meal the new volunteers of the East, Clarissa and Nick, shared the Christmas couch with us. They live close to Niger.


Scott took Nate, Jon, Tarek, and I to the legendary sand reader of Fada. Mediums in the US usually read tarot cards and tea leaves, but here it's the sands that communicate with clairvoyants. Clients are instructed to close their eyes, draw a small circle in the sand with their fingers, and ask the sands the question silently with their hearts. After the circle is made, the chain-smoking sand reader makes mysterious marks, dots, and lines. Then the client asks the question verbally, so that the reader can interpret what he has just deciphered and try to put these abstractions into words. What was revealed about our futures did not disappoint us.

Volunteers have been visiting this fortune teller for a while, and stories have circulated about how the readings have changed the courses of volunteers' love and professional lives. After much contemplation, I gathered up all my courage to ask a couple doom and gloom themed questions. My first question was "what problems await me in the future?" The sands hesitated a while then gave a foreboding response: one day my mother will become nervous about something. When that day comes, she will ask a request of me. I must obey her wishes, or else...

My second question was "how and when will Tana and I die?" After I silently asked this with my heart, the psychic tried to read the sands, but he seemed to look frustrated. When I asked him my question verbally, he pointed at a bold line in the sand that was obstructing his ability to interpret it. The sands had refused to reveal the answer to this question.

My third question was "what kind of work will Tana and I do when we return to the States." The sands responded that I shouldn't follow in the livelihood footsteps of my father and grandfather, that our work would be successful if we worked together, and (quite randomly) that our firstborn will be male. The sands tell no lies.


Later, about fifteen volunteers participated in a "white elephant" gift exchange. It's a vicious game of treachery and dream crushing in which wrapped presents are circulated and stolen by those who you once considered your friends. Some of the commodities of our game included a squirt gun and a bag of Sour Patch Kids, a scarf and hat promoting nationalism, quality leather wallets, a set of cutlery that looks like medieval torture implements, some Hello Kitty bouncing balls, and Blitzen the Christmas Chicken (pictured above). I won a backpack and Tana won a foot-shaped bath mat that will complement the colors of our indoor shower room nicely.


Above: Cindy and the piñata in the foreground. Celenia, Luis, and John in the background.

To the Right: A group of impeccably dressed Burkinabe kids smashing up Luis and Doug's master creation Christmas piñata. They were blindfolded and dizzied up then they took swings while Luis and Celenia sang a traditional Mexican song. One little girl used an intimidating amount of force when it was her turn.


The youth of Fada performed a variety show for Noel. All of us volunteers went up on stage for one act and led the whole room in singing "Deck the Halls" in English, singing "Fadadada" instead of "Falalalala." When the emcee put us on the spot to translate the meaning, Doug grabbed the mic and walked them through it line by line in French, even somehow translating the line: "Troll the ancient yuletide carol."


In the tree: Antoinette, Tarek, Pat, John, and Scott. Standing: Tana, Chad, Luis, Jon, Josh, and Nate. Crouched: Clarissa, Michel, Celenia, and some guy.
Monday, January 02, 2012

Sayonara, Bald Mice



PROBLEM: A colony of "bald mice" (bats) has set up camp in the ceiling of your elementary school. All the students wish they had clothes pins over their noses. They want to breathe in the sweet smell of education, but all they get is pungent perfume of guano. Perched high up in their rafter roost, the chirping bats seem to be laughing at humanity. Almost as if to say, "We enjoy making you suffer. We toast to your tears."

SOLUTION: Banish the bald mice back to the wilds from which they came. No matter how many eviction notices you issue them, these wingèd squatters continue to overstay their welcome. They've audited the same kindergarten class too many times, and from the looks of the brown-stained walls, they're still not potty trained.

STEP 1: Get an appraisal from a qualified consultant

You call in a professional from the city who pulls up on his motorcycle, tips his shades down, drops his briefcase, and grips your hand as though squeezing the life out of a parakeet. He doesn't even need to see the school apparently—he's from the big leagues, so he can guess. Mr. Suit-and-Tie quickly presents a receipt with his non-negotiable quote: for only $1500, his firm will asphyxiate the bats with a toxic cocktail of gases. The kind of chemicals that most people with lungs and nervous systems should steer a wide berth away from. The city man also adds that his company doesn't clean or patch the ceiling. Hmm.

STEP 2: A better idea, a hundred times less expensive

For 10 bucks, you can buy a giant sack of charcoal. Rally everyone on the last day of the semester to strip a nearby Neem tree of its lower leaves. Close all the windows tight and set the fresh leaves ablaze inside your coal bins, fumigating the rooms. As the smoke billows out of the cracks between the roof and walls, the nocturnal bats will wake up disgruntled and evacuate their smoked-out beds. They'll try to fly back into the school, but quickly decide that they value breathing and flee the scene.

The kids will rabble together in chanting mobs with sticks held overhead, almost like they're on a witch hunt. They'll stand on stumps and swat at the escaping bats with tree branches. They beam so proudly.



STEP 3: Perfumigation

Now that the bats have taken to the skies, you toss a few sticks of incense into the fires to make the residual odor more bearable. This step may seem like a splash of cologne after bathing in the sewer, but at least it motivates the clean-up crew. Now that it's somewhat less of an olfactory nightmare, it's time to go back indoors and pull out all the furniture, which will remain unguarded in the schoolyard for days to come. Local thieves have no apparent need for tiny desks.


STEP 4: Fill in the cracks




You buy three bags of cement. The school director commissions a mason who he continually addresses as "the old man" to patch up the holes. This is apparently the same guy who built the school thirty years ago. The mason mixes cement, sand, and water in the middle of each classroom, then he mounts the stacked tables with his trowel in hand to slop up and smooth on the wet concrete. The village carpenter Thomas gives him screens and wooden frames he made to block the aeration holes in the ceiling. "Hey, the old man!" The director says. "Don't forget this room!"



STEP 5: Give it a fresh coat

The afternoon school bell hasn't technically chimed yet, so there are hordes of students still loitering on the premises. Time to capitalize on their boredom by getting some brooms, sponges, towels, and buckets. You pour bleach and anti-bacterial soap into buckets, ready the materials, and use the Huckleberry Finn picket-fence-painting method to motivate them to action. Suddenly, everyone from kindergarten through fifth grade is in full force cleaning mode, competing to have the sparkliest room of them all. Now to mix quicklime powder and water in a cauldron, resulting in a bubbly chemical reaction that drops the jaws of the kids. This makes whitewash, the cheapest kind of faux paint, which looks like the real deal after multiple coats. In all five classrooms, gloved students with paint brushes and sponges restore the walls once again to their original pristine state, forever washing off the foul stench of the bald mice.





CELEBRATION: It's done! And just in time for winter holiday break. Call the village's favorite mustachioed minstrels to the school to play traditional xylophone and drums while the children dance. High fives all around.